Thursday, February 28, 2008

Musings on Being Handicapped

Sixteen days since knee surgery and I’m making remarkable progress. I can walk in the trailer and climb stairs with no assistance or equipment. I just use one crutch when walking outdoors.

Back to washing dishes and cooking, much to Jenna’s relief. She has been serving as homemaker and nurse for two weeks now, offering quality service at a low price. Thanks Jenna!!!

Being Handicapped throws you into a different segment of the world, one you only glimpse occasionally and then move on. Worth learning about, since the Handicapped are a minority group that anyone can join at any time.

Some Observations
Handicapped Parking Spaces
Yes, there is a pecking order in parking lots. Here is the only place that the Handicapped come out on top, by virtue of primo Handicapped parking spaces. To wit:
* People in ambulances – of course. Tho you seldom see them shopping at WalMart.
* People in wheelchairs, particularly in vans with those cool cranes to pick up and set down the chair. Like the claw you control to snag a prize in a machine at the mall.
* People using crutches, preferably two. Groan as you walk for extra points.
* People with oxygen bottles. Lose points if you’re smoking.
* People with no obvious Handicap. We all look at them with some suspicion…but then you never know.
* The Capped, i.e. everybody else. Formerly known as the Abled when people used the term Disabled.

Yes, it’s true that we smirk just a little when we saunter up to the front door. If we can saunter.

Yes, we do get reserved stalls in public bathrooms. Certainly fair for people in wheelchairs, who need extra room. But I’ve also noticed that builders are mounting urinals lower and lower on the wall, presumably for Handicapped people. Recently I saw a set of urinals mounted so close to the floor that I expected them to require a Merit Badge in Marksmanship just to urinate there.

Maybe not so surprising, since it was a bathroom in Target store.

A few weeks ago, I used an electric shopping cart to shop at a Costco Warehouse store. You know, the kind with a small basket in the front and an orange flag flying high from the back of the cart. They stiffened the flag because the cart wouldn’t go as fast as a five legged ant.

Anyway, riding around in that cart, your Cool Factor sinks to Zero. Chicks don’t make eye contact. They don’t even see you against the background of 10 quart jars of mustard and cartons of 8 dozen eggs.

So, when I saw a Babe in the aisle, I drove down and intentionally clipped her in the side. She cried out and looked down at me. I gazed up with an expression of surprise and mild disorientation. She rolled her eyes and limped away.

Still better than being seen as a jar of pickles.


Wednesday, February 20, 2008

Blog called on account of pain

Recovery from this knee surgery is taking all my time right now, what with sleeping 16 hours per day, eating and exercising. It inhibits the creative juices. And makes for a boring life.

So rest your cursor a while. Check back in a week, when my Physical Therapist assures me I will dance the Tango.

After this episode, we hope to write a book, Recovering From Surgery In A 300 Square Foot RV…Who Needs Handrails When The Walls Are So Close.


Monday, February 18, 2008

Q & A at a Glendale hospital

From the Blog Wire Service

The public relations spokesperson blinks uncomfortably as she surveys the scene. The Paparazzi have mobbed the hospital hallway, begging for news of the Blog Writer.

Q What is the Blog Writer’s medical status?
A HIPAA law prohibits us from releasing any medical information on the Blog Writer’s condition.

Q C'mon, HIPAA doesn't apply in the Blogosphere, which exists beyond this space/time continuum…on computers in Brooklyn.
A Oh?

Q Rumor has it his surgeon gave him a knee from a genetically modified Holstein cow.
A No, of course not. His insurance would never pay for that. They only cover certified organic cattle.

Q A maintenance worker said that he endured great pain for 18 hours, resisting a variety of narcotic pain blockers.
A True enough. Dr. Lois Lane finally weakened his resistance using medicinal Kryptonite.

Q Is it true one of his arms is now shorter than the other?
A No, tho the brain cells in his Left Hemisphere are narrower than before surgery. He'll never notice.

Q Wait, there's Britany Spears!!

The herd thunders away and the Blog Writer quietly exits Stage Left.

Saturday, February 16, 2008

One more knee joke

Two knees walk into a bar.

The left knee says to the right one, “Hey, where did our feet go?”
The right one replies, “I wiped them off at the door.”

Ha ha ha!!!

No more.

Sunday, February 10, 2008

Author Under Reconstruction

From the Blog Wire Service

The author of the blog has suspended publishing while undergoing knee surgery. Recovery and legal drug use will inhibit his creative energies. He hopes to collect fresh material during this period...assuming he is conscious.

Get Well wishes and cash gifts may be sent to The Skagit County Home for Wayward Gimps and Ne're Do Wells. Euros are preferred as the dollar is still in the toilet.

Check back on Saturday, February 16, 08 for an unintelligible entry. Maybe not so different from prior posts.


Friday, February 8, 2008

New knee jokes

1. Two knees walk into a bar.
Ha ha ha!

2. Knock knock
Who's there?
Knee who.
Not knee who. Knock knee!
Ha ha ha!!

Thursday, February 7, 2008

Upstairs, Downstairs. The RV Chronicles

What’s new in the Brod household? Preparing for Bruce’s elective disability.

Knee surgery on 2/12/08, followed by several days in the hospital in rehabilitation.

Did you know that an RV is a terrible place for a handicapped person? Steep entry stairs, more stairs inside, little floorspace (usually occupied by you-know-who, not Jenna!). And the bathroom – so small you step outside to change your mind.

In fact, many fulltimers keep their houses just for situations like this. Not us, obviously. We don’t need no stinking house…ummmm….

So we’re evaluating temporary replacement stairs, sleeping on the pull-out couch, and accommodations for certain bodily functions. Crutches, handrails, injections - it’s like a nursing home around here!

No, wait, we’ll look at nursing homes on Monday. Just in case Bruce doesn’t recover sufficiently in the hospital and needs additional rehab at discharge.

Do you know how many people have undergone knee surgery? Find out by mentioning your intention. Seems like everyone has had it or knows someone else. Or maybe it’s the middle age company we keep.

On a positive note, we have good medical insurance. And great weather for recovery time – 65 degrees and sunny. Not so bad.

You know you’re getting older when your knees buckle but your belt won’t.


PS Not many knee jokes on the Internet. Please send some via Comments. Editor will post the best entries for the good of humanity.

Saturday, February 2, 2008

Election update

We have been following the primate primaries. Our household is closely divided.

Jenna and Bruce hew closely to the ABBC (Anybody But Bush Clones) platform and support Democratic candidates.

Denby, on the other hand, embraces candidates using AMSI (Alliterative Method of Self-Interest.) He Considers himself a Canine Corgi who Covets Chow. Therefore he Chooses Conservativatism and supports Republican candidates. He is writing in for John Cox.

We plan to Confine Denby on election night.